Leaving ‘Him’ Behind

Story and photographs by Robin Rayne ©2023 ZUMA Press

Kai-Lynn Diamond, 18, celebrates her graduation from Paulding County High School, leaving her past as a boy who became a girl, and looking ahead to a simpler life in her proper gender. She transitioned to female as a sophomore in high school at age 16. “It was a lonely time,” she said. She is thankful to have transitioned at a time before Georgia’s new SB140 was passed in 2023, which would have made gender-affirming medical care at that age illegal. “If I was younger and couldn’t have transitioned to who I really am, I don’t think I’d be here now. I couldn’t go on living as a boy,” she said. Pictured: Kai-Lynn queues with fellow seniors as they wait to receive their diplomas.

Kai-Lynn Diamond, 18, transitioned from male to female when she was a sophomore in high school.

Kai-Lynn Diamond held tight to the long-stemmed rose all graduating women received as they left the stage on the field at Paulding County High School’s football stadium, diplomas in hand.

For Kai-Lynn, the single flower was as much quiet recognition of her new gender as it was her school’s commencement tradition.

It also symbolized departing a place of pain and loneliness because she didn’t fit in with other students — and leaving her birth name and gender in the dust.

“I’m looking forward to university where I can be me – just a typical college girl, taking classes,” said Kai-Lynn — who wasn’t always Kai-Lynn.

Diagnosed as transgender two years ago, she transitioned to life as a girl at 16 when she was a sophomore. With the help of medically-supervised hormone replacement therapy, her body slowly assumed a more feminine shape, diffusing and relieving years of depression and emotional distress.

“When I realized I couldn’t go on living as a boy any longer, I called my mom, sobbing. I was thinking about suicide,” she recalled.  “I tried to fight that feeling for years, but there came a day when I couldn’t take it anymore,” she said. “I had to leave ‘him’ behind. If I hadn’t been able to transition, I don’t think I’d be here now.”

For years, Kai-Lynn’s mother Crystal knew something was wrong. “She had a secret, but I had to let her tell me. She said, ‘If I can’t live as a girl I don’t want to be here anymore.’ She didn’t feel right in her body. Self-harm was a real concern.   I told her, ‘It’s 2021, and you can be whoever you want to be, and I will always love and support you.’ The transition was really easy for me because once she was able to live in her authentic gender, I knew she would thrive,” she said.

“I remember she had proclaimed ‘I’m a girl’ when she was five. She played with my makeup and liked pink and girly things.  She had been in hospitals numerous times for depression growing up, but neither of us even knew what the term ‘transgender’ meant until two years ago,” she said.

“Bullied and beat-up by classmates” through middle school, Kai-Lynn learned to keep to herself but sank into deep loneliness. “We were living in a redneck town, and I just didn’t fit in anywhere,” she said. “For a while, I thought I had a few friends in school, but they disappeared after I came out.  I usually ate my lunch alone in a locker room to avoid the stares and whispers. It’s been very lonely ever since.”

Kai-Lynn Diamond, 18, stands with hundreds of of transgender individuals, families and advocates for a rally outside statehouse on the National Transgender Day of Visibility March 31.

Kai-Lynn Diamond, 18, with mother Crystal and sister Emma, at their suburban Atlanta home.

Kai-Lynn Diamond, 18, shops for new clothes at a suburban Atlanta mall.

When the stress of living in the wrong gender was lifted, the heaviness was gone, Crystal  said. “I could see a real difference in her personality. She blossomed and her depression faded. She became much more talkative and engaging,” she said. “She likes the person she’s become.”

Kai-Lynn met a young college student who became a boyfriend and introduced her to skateboarding, “where people can just be themselves,” she said.

Crystal spent “tons of money” on therapy for her child before hormone treatments could begin.  Insurance didn’t cover any of it. “The therapy was all out-of-pocket, but we wanted this to be the right decision,” she said.  She paid for her daughter’s legal name change. Kai-Lynn’s hormone treatments, prescribed and supervised by an endocrinologist experienced in gender issues, will continue for life.

Kai-Lynn hopes to attend university after a gap year. She works in a retail clothing shop several days a week, saving her money, and looking forward to her new life. “I want to go to college, study forensic science, make more friends, and just live my life,” she said.

It is the despair of living in a gender that never fits – especially for young people who ‘know that they know’ their true selves, that Kai-Lynn wants state legislators to recognize.

She counts herself as one of the ‘lucky ones,’ having dodged a new Georgia law that would have blocked her gender transition had she been 16 years old now, and needing to begin medical intervention for gender dysphoria.  “The current anti-trans political climate is getting uglier every day,” she said. “For me, transitioning when I did saved my life.”

In March, Gov. Brian Kemp signed SB140 into law which prevents residents under 18 from receiving gender-affirming medical care.  The law was created by Republican-heavy legislature “to ensure we protect the health and well-being of Georgia’s children,” Kemp tweeted.   In addition to restricting gender-affirming care for transgender youth under 18, penalties may be added for doctors who attempt to provide it, critics observed.

An open letter from more than 500 Georgia physicians and therapists, delivered to legislators shortly before the controversial bill was passed, asked them to “keep politics out of our clinics.” They see the law as “a clear form of government overreach that violates parents’ and providers’ rights by taking away their ability to freely discuss health care options and make decisions about what’s in the best interest of transgender youth.”

The new law is effective July 1.

Both Kai-Lynn and her mother feel intense empathy for young transgender individuals who will be forced to endure the ill-fitting body changes that come with puberty, despite their parents’ and physicians’ lobbying, support and advice.

Kai-Lynn hopes the legislators will reconsider the law before the anticipated increase in despair and self-harm within the transgender population becomes a reality. “They make these decisions that affect us without really knowing anything about us. I just think it comes from ignorance and fear,” she said.

Kai-Lynn Diamond, 18, practices her skateboard skills at a city park, “where nobody cares that I’m trans, everybody’s chill,” she said.

While life in high school has been a lonely time since she changed genders, she’s hopeful that her future as a college student and beyond will be much richer. “I just want to be a normal girl taking classes,” she said.